The year was 1994 when I, Stupendous Todd, defeated my arch nemesis, Asparagus Man, with cookie dough bullets and a giant milkshake. The evil vegetable man drowned in the cold, ice creamy trap. He met a sugary, unhealthy demise to the delight of all the neighborhood kids who disliked the foul taste of asparagus. Thanks to me, not one asparagus was eaten for thirty years.

Subsequently, I had nothing to do but get old. The legend of Stupendous Todd faded beneath decades of wrinkles and reclusive television watching.

Now in 2024, the News speculates that the neglected vegetable is extinct. I would have agreed…until the roof of my crappy apartment collapsed and exploded. A fireball flashed in my face and singed my eyebrows as Asparagus Man’s wife descended through my ceiling strapped with grenades and a glock in each hand. She had hair of spade shaped leaf, rubbery green arms, and revenge grit between her teeth.

I stared down the barrels of her crisp broccoli glocks.
“I’m back,” she said.