I feel numb somehow. I’ve had this feeling for a long time and I don’t know what started it. I think it traces back to when I got the job. I know, it’s crazy because I wanted the job, but it’s just so inanely boring! And I’ve just started to realize that this is my life now and I feel trapped.

But how do I escape? What doors are unlocked, what windows can be crashed? Maybe this explains my desire to move out: it’s a physical depiction of breaking free and getting out of the self-imposed jail.

But I can’t afford to, and I swear the knowledge is cutting me up inside somewhere. Is it possible to be claustrophobic in your life? How do you know when you’re breaking down?

But I think the numbness goes back further and deeper. I just can’t remember a time without it. It’s like I’m sleepwalking. Or running really fast through a thick patch of quicksand. Every move seems so labored and undesirable. When did I break my heart? When did I start thinking that I could treat myself this way, that days were recyclable?