hmm. i would say with improvements you can definitely write really good romance (like really good everything else lol) but don’t use abdomen. i dont know why but it just sticks out. and the random running away is really sudden and unexpected-personally, i was expecting a romantic kiss. maybe i just need a sequel to ‘get’ it.

Interesting… (lol! But seriously, is this going somewhere? It definitely seems incomplete.)

i’d like to see what you do with this.

Someone else take it up, then! I dunno…abdomen, abdomen….I don’t like “tummy” or “belly” either though….maybe “stomach?” Blegh, I dunno. Gimme suggestions, then! (And kissing…so overdone? I hope, at least, cuz I didn’t do it. Poo).

yes, i was sort of thinking along the lines of stomach…and you have to admit, kissing is better than running off into the woods. of course, this is coming from a romance/boyfriend-deprived chick that no one would ever in their right mind want to go out with so…maybe you should ask some really really good ficleteer…like laine, or tf torrey or baromeo or something.

Any better?!?!? Sheesh. It is my first time with this, you know.

woah…. i dont like the change, go back to running into the woods. if you dont want to use stomach or abdomen, have him tickle her sides. but burst out crying? ive had too many people start crying on me today; consequently, this change makes me cry. put back running. i beg of you

“Joining the AAAICOF ?” what?

wait- isnt dec 21, 2012 when the mayans said the world is supposed to end? or am i way off track? no, i dont know why im wasting comment space, but it might be b/c it’s 1:15 am and i staid up w/e hw every night this week. TWI – typing while inebriated

yes i didn’t particularly mean take the running out…just write a sequel with something more romantic.

ummm….this story isn’t really romantic, its kind of tween romantic
a sequel would help it grow and make more sense
good try though

Just say tickled her, but not say stomach or anywhere else, we can use our imagination as to where he tickled her. Story was cute , like young 1st time being in love, innocence, i think you captured it well.

Crap crap crap crap crap. Crappity crappity crap. Crap a la mode with a side of crap. Gahhh, I can’t write romance. Just trying something different. Thanks for the constructive criticsim, though.

Haha…oooh I feel your pain.

ok well idk why everyones getting all worked up over “abdomen.” i think its a funn word. And i liked this story, it made me smile. but yea the crying at the end is a little weird but still weird things happen in romance stories all the time!

Oh well! We all have our week points! Honestly, with a little work, your romance could be good. This is a little too…flat for my taste. You say more of what you might see…romance is about feeling. What’s the guy thinking? Is his heart fluttering like the wings of a thousand faeries? Is he swimming, drowning in her eyes?

Don’t get me wrong, it was a really good first attempt.