This has potential. My only feedback is the poor use of dialog attribution. For example, is the word “softly” really necessary in the middle for Sheila’s dialog. It distracts… Also, try sticking to “said” and “asked” instead of corny verbs on steroids like started, demanded, and offered.

Thanks. I tried my best to remove the steroid-induced verbs.

Much, much better flow to the dialog…

After re-reading this again now (after the edits) I am really impressed with it. I can’t help but think those unnecessary words were really hurting the story, distracting me. I hope the feedback was helpful – I honestly think it’s a big improvement b/c those words were hiding the fact that you have a very solid talent for writing dialog. Many people do not… – Yoda

{Jumps in seat with a girlish squeal after seeing Yoda gave her a 5-star rating.}

I wonder what he’s hoping for…

Sequel, sequel!

I can’t wait for a sequel!!! I have fallen in love with this awesome ficlet!! _giggle

And, I liked the “corny verbs on steroids” I think they gave the story more emphasis. But what ever.

I love your style and everything about the story!!

I heart this ficlet! Must have the sequels or my brain may explode. Let’s hope it doesn’t.