Didaskaleinophobia. Every child in America is affected by this terrible sickness. They go through the pain, every single day, to sit through these long, excruciating lessons made all the worse by this debilitating disease.

But there is hope. You—yes, you, can help. With just a small donation, you’ll contribute to the greatest cause our nation may ever have performed. All you need to do is give us your money.

Fact: 100%, that means every child from ages four to eighteen suffers from this. You could change all that. We know you’ll perform your part in helping our nation, our children, the adults of tomorrow through this.

So please. Today, just stop and think. Is your child really going to live a long a—

“What?!? They don’t even know what didaskaleinophobia is? Why’d we go through all this frikkin’ trouble to tell these idiots about what they don’t even know?”

“Calm down, Karen. Our viewers need to know about the dangers of fearing school. Okay, let’s shoot this again, people!”