Obviously, such a complex sub-species cannot be summarized into a few short – shall we say, ficlets. However, in the spirit of making this guide remain comprehensive…

The first thing you need to know, if you are a gentleman, is the female language. Here are some quick, handy translation sentences (I suggest printing these out and keeping in your pocket for easy access):

“Hello.”
You better not try anything on me, sicko.

“We need to talk.”
We’re breaking up.

“I don’t know…your friends don’t seem to like me.”
Kill them or I will. We cannot be lovers with them in the picture.

“I like you.”
(Oh, come now. A girl is never this straightforward. It’s always through friends in a strange sort of ritual).

“My hand is cold.”
If you don’t hold my hand, we’re over.

“I’m sorry.”
Apologize to me. Now.
…NOW!

“I don’t know about that movie…”
We’re seeing a movie with Matthew McConaughey or you never see your dog again.

“I hate your guts.”
I hate your guts.