This is a public service announcement. It has come to our attention that some believe that there are “Eyeblights” going around eating people. These rumors are entirely unfounded. This has been a public service announcement.

This is a public service announcement. The Eyeblight situation is entirely under control.This has been a public service announcement.

This is a public service announcement. Turn off your TV. Close your windows. Don’t go outside. Don’t open your door. Period. Anyone you know may be infected. In fact, they probably are. Telephones are still working, but we don’t know for how long. You are humanities’ final hope.This has been a public service announcement.