Capricorn(Dec 22-Jan 19)I am happy to say that today nothing bad will happen to you, unless you count being run over by a truck

Aquarius(Jan 20 – Feb 19) You will have a fatal
heart attack when you run your cat over in your car

Pisces(Feb 20 – March 20) Joe The Plumber will come to your house and cut you with his mighty Plunger-of-Death

Aries(March 21 – April 19) A arsonist will burn down your house assisted by your cat

Taurus(April 20– May 20)You will soon convince yourself that you are Spiderman after reading one comic too many

Gemini(May 21- June 20) The hot dogs are coming and they’ve picked you as their test subject

Cancer(June 21- July 22) You will soon get a disease from a movie star…But it’s worth it

Leo(July 23 – Aug 22) The killer rabbit will come for you when you forget to make your annual payment

Virgo(Aug 23- Sept 22)Watch out for the lawn gnomes, they are coming to eat your flesh