Nice set-up, lots of details to catch our attention (the readers). Do you have a plan? :) I hope you sequel…or someone does…

Wow, this is actually really good! Keep up the good work! I’m totally going to read more! [=

Love the set-up. Reading on…

Colorful, though a bit over-done. The first sentence in particular is so jam-packed it takes 3-4 times through to follow it. All in all though, still a promising beginning.

Maybe try breaking things up a bit into paragraphs. Always helps readability if it doesn’t clash with story flow.

Very good begining. I do agree with THX , but overall, good. Can’t wait to read the rest!

I love the storyline. It is very intriguing. The over-all flow needs to be evened out. For example I would shorten the first sentence and use mysterious instead of mystery. I would also take out the “and”.

Replacing it with a comma would help smooth it out a little.

Per your request. The first sentence is baffling to me. You also have ‘I met him’ – I found him – we found each other’ You don’t need all three. You say you’re staying at someones ‘house or mansion’ settle for one or the other, then describe it.
Nice start but be cautious of over the top flowery discriptions. Good Luck

hmm. good begining. wonder where it’s going though..

You’ve definitely hooked me in. I have to add you as a contact so I can be sure to follow this line.

Wyatt—I loved the fact that she “put all three” in there, because it shows the nervousness of the character.

Write on, Unicorn!

I don’t know what changes you’ve made from the comments, but as I read it right now I think it’s a pretty good setup. You kept it from automatically being portrayed as a formula romance story (just by saying “him” or “her,” one gets that feeling. Isn’t that terrible?) and described it in a way that made me want to read a little bit more.
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But, of course, I do agree with the other ficleteers in that it could use a little clearer sentences.
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Overall, good intro.

cool, it looks like this is a long series. but i’d love to read it all.*

wow, great start, reading on

this a very good story, it truly is..i really like how it leaves you wanting more at the end, kinda like a cliffhanger. great job
Whinney

You sent me a note asking me to read this and when I saw how many chapters there are i thought “Oh my gosh.” But I’m gonna read them all. I like how this going so far.

“For where you go on this journey called life is far less important than who you meet while living it.” This is my favorite line. Very valuable information stuffed into a nice package. Great starter. ;)

man you had to get me hooked when i dont have internet noone ever asked me to read a series that was 200+ fics long but there is a first time for everything…nice hook though

Cool premise told in a still quiete protagonist voice over.

wow..really good starting..kinda mysterious and hooks readers on really fast..can’t wait to read all of it:)

interesting, although I have to say the writing seems a tiny bit choppy to me, simply by the way its structured. maybe do formal paragraphs to eliminate this problem.
i have to agree though that it sometimes seems sort of packed writing.

Intriguing beginning; however, it reads a little choppily. I feel like you have a run-on and then a fragment; paragraph form may help. Good job, though.

wow very descriptive can’t wait to read the rest

“the night we found each other”
:)